Another Excerpt

I did it.  I asked for help with my latest query letter on a couple of writer websites.  I got a lot of great feedback; most of it being people couldn’t believe my premises for my story.  So, I guess I’ll just rewrite my query.  Again.  Oh well, the responses also meant tweaking my novel ever so slightly.  I’m messing with the beginning a little.   I’m also going to delete the last chapter to have a bit more room to add something to the novel to explain some things.  Okay, back to rework things.  I might need that vacation I have coming up.

(BTW, I start vacation a week from this upcoming Monday.  If you want to guest post in my absence, let me know soon.)

Since I don’t feel like a long post today, I thought I would try giving y’all my new opening.  The previous opening is now paragraph 3&4.  Y’all know the drill.  Tell me what you think.

James Westin smirked as he looked at the dossier.  The ATF thought she was twenty-two.  The neo-Nazi Hans Zeidrich had bought that she was twenty-two.  She had been easily convinced that if she didn’t agree to become an undercover agent she would be living on the streets.  Westin had planned this for a decade.  He would take down Hans Zeidrich.  Westin would take down the entire Zeidrich Family using her as a pawn in his plan.  It made the whole plan sweeter.  She would be discarded when Westin got what he wanted.  Yet, that would be the crowning jewel in his accomplishment.  It had started in 1983, and Westin was certain it would be finished before the new decade started.  ‘Yes,’ Westin thought to himself, ‘revenge is best served cold.’

‘He’s a family man.  When he finds out, it will kill Zeidrich.  His granddaughter; and she’ll be sharing his bed.  I just wish I was there when he found out.’

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Another Excerpt

  1. Now this version really gets my attentions. Much, much better!

    Tiny suggestion – when I see the name Westin it reminds me of the “burned spy” lead character in Burn Notice, a show on USA Network (I think.) But maybe no one else watches that show.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s